Relationship Counseling for Individuals
Relationship therapy may be helpful if you struggle with:
Past relationship choices that have not been healthy or satisfying
Moving on from a hurtful breakup or divorce
Insecurity in relationships that drive partners away
Making your needs known to your partner in a positive way
A partner or spouse who won’t come to couples counseling
You may have noticed certain patterns that emerge in your relationships – perhaps selecting partners who are a bad fit, staying in relationships because you don’t want to be alone or avoiding relationships altogether because you don’t want to get hurt again.
In relationship therapy, we explore the often-hidden reasons you continue to engage in relationships that are challenging and painful. Or, your own insecurities prevent a close connection.
Your Challenges
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Poor relationship choices
Recovery from divorce or break-up
Jealousy and insecurity in Relationship
Your Possibilities
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New insight into your relationship patterns
Building greater self-esteem and confidence
Greater awareness of your fears and behaviors
Healthy Relationships Are an “Inside Job”
Even behaviors we repeat but are not good for us have a valid (but hidden) reason. Our awareness can be like an iceberg – We’re aware of what’s above the water, but not below. Relationship therapy lowers the water level, so to speak, to reveal many of the “whys” of our thoughts and beliefs.
As we look beneath the surface, you can discover what drives your choices – good or bad. And, here’s the good news! You can change those beliefs and, then, your actions.
Jane (not her real name, of course) struggled with poor relationship choices. She would be with partners who put her down, who were controlling and who lowered her self-esteem. And, yet, she would stay in those relationships despite knowing she should leave.
In relationship counseling, Jane learned that she actually believed she was not worthy of better partners. A critical mother had frequently berated her, wanted her to be different, challenged her plans for her career desires.
Jane began to unpack what she had learned as a child and to identify other ways she had been successful despite those early messages. She then was able to gain new insight into her relationship choices. Jane clarified what was unacceptable in potential partners and to identify the traits and values of better matches for her.
Honoring Our Past and Avoiding Blame
Yes, what we learned from our parents and our culture will impact us as we grow. However, I prefer to avoid merely “blaming” our parents for their faults. Rather, we can come to a deep and revealing understanding of our adult behaviors and choices. Using the science-based research and practice that support Emotionally Focused Couple therapy, now adapted for individuals, you come to understand your struggles in a new way.
You’re not alone if you get caught up in blaming yourself for your relationship problems. However, as you learn to identify the roots of your past decisions, you become free to move forward on a different path.
Unlocking the Meaning of Your “Attachment Style”
“So that’s why I’m afraid to get truly close to my partner!” “I keep sabotaging every relationship, including friendships.” “Ever since I was cheated on in an earlier relationship, I can never fully trust a partner.” “My jealousy and insecurity drives away every potentially healthy relationship.”
Let’s face it: Relationships are the hardest thing we do in life. We are each complex humans with different histories and experiences – and then we try to meld those pasts into a bond with a partner.
By searching deeper, you can unlock your barriers to finding and maintaining relationships that are loving, supportive and joy-filled.
A key area of exploration is your attachment style. And, the styles of your current or past partners and why things did not go well.
Research has surfaced three principal attachment styles:
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Securely attached people are confident that they are loveable, rarely worry about being abandoned and are comfortable with emotional and physical closeness
An anxious attachment style causes people to be fearful of any signs of rejection and to need a great deal of reassurance that the relationship is going well
People with an avoidant style may struggle with expressing emotions and with depending on a partner for closeness.
Many of us have traits in all three categories. However, identifying your attachment tendencies helps you make sense of your past relationship issues.
A Deeper Look at Low Self-Esteem
How we view ourselves can have a profound effect on our relationship choices and how we interact in our adult relationships. Do any of the following trouble you to some degree?
I need to be perfect.
I never feel I’m good enough
I’m fearful of taking risks, including ones that would improve my well-being
No one will find me interesting or smart enough.
I’m not attractive enough or loveable.
In relationship counseling, we work to understand the source of those self-defeating beliefs. You can then learn to explore them with a new appreciation of how you are unique – and that you are fine the way you are.
You can develop a kinder attitude toward yourself as you deepen your knowledge of the source of those negative beliefs and begin to replace them with true and honest choices.
Improving Control of Your Emotions
When we are faced with uncertainty in our romantic relationship, the part of our brain that controls our emotions has three fundamental choices: Fight. Flight. Or Freeze.
Our emotions are the strongest with our partner because, when we fell in love, we formed a powerful bond. When it feels as though that bond isn’t solid, our emotional triggers can be powerful – and overwhelming to our partner!
Fortunately you can learn a variety of ways to calm your emotions so you can then have conversations with your partner that can lead to resolving important issues and concerns.
My Partner Won’t Come to Couples Counseling
One of the reasons couples delay getting help with their relationship is that one partner does not feel comfortable with the idea of getting outside help. However, even with one half of the relationship coming for counseling, progress is possible.
Even without your partner, you can learn:
How your different attachment styles may contribute to challenges in your relationship
To express your needs in ways in which your partner can better respond
How your own history and past relationships can be casting a “shadow” on your current marriage
How to talk about intimacy
To become a team with your partner to improve parenting
To use a proven model for healthy conversations that leads to resolving important issues and differences
Next Steps
We can schedule a 20-minute conversation to discuss your needs and to help us determine whether we’re a good fit to work together. Give me a call at 602-882-0533 and let’s chat!