Premarital Counseling in Arizona: Best Wedding Gift Ever!

I’m always glad to hear from couples seeking premarital counseling. Fact is, I wish more couples would learn more about each other before heading toward the alter. With the US divorce rate at 40 to 50 percent (for second marriages, 60 to 67 percent end in divorce), learning how to be more successful in their lives together makes more sense than ever.

What if, before your wedding, you could gain insight into:

• How your images of a good marriage might be different – and how to create better alignment of your values and goals

• Learning to truly listen to your partner and more easily be their go-to for relieving stress and worry

• Ways your parenting styles might be different and how to understand potential sources of conflict

• Why small things can escalate into big arguments – and how to slow down, talk calmly and reach resolution

As a practitioner of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, which we call EFT, I help couples understand and put into practice the principles of this most-successful marriage counseling method.

In this post, I’m describing what research tells us are the most-important keys to maintaining healthy, vital marriages.

We Discover in Premarital Counseling How Your History Matters in Your Adult Relationships

EFT goes beyond other (and often unsuccessful methods of marriage counseling) methods of marriage counseling. While also being a brief form of therapy, EFT goes deeper than just teaching couples how to more effectively talk to each other.

That’s because you will develop a deeper understanding of both yourself and your partner – and it is this new awareness that can help guide you toward a more successful future together.

The science of healthy relationships points us toward understanding “attachment,” the ways in which you naturally form bonds with important people in your life. Attachment is the “glue” that was created when you met and fell in love and can be an unconscious force in both your relationship success and struggles.

Yes, we’ll explore what you learned about loving relationships from your parents and significant caregivers as well as your experiences in previous romantic relationships. This is not to blame our families or former partners, but, rather, to deepen our awareness of how we tend to interact in our love relationships.

Please note: There is no right or wrong here. Yet, understanding our attachment styles can lead to revealing how we may undermine our most important relationship: Our marriage. Beneath our awareness can lie why we may pull away from our partner when we get closer; how we argue and struggle to resolve differences; how we parent; and how we set expectations for our partners.

With this new awareness, you can be better equipped to be open to your partner’s needs, as well as how to effectively express your own. You can know how you may automatically respond to relationship stress – and how to slow down, become more mindful and then work through concerns as a team.

Sex, Money, Parenting: Unearthing the “Whys” of Your Differences

Consider these scenarios:

One of you worries about money; the other feels the partner is too frugal and that fun activities often don’t happen

One of you is more strict about child-rearing. The other more lenient, supportive.

One of you has a hard time expressing feelings related to sex. The other feels the topic never gets fully explored and nothing changes or improves.

For sure, these can be challenging areas to navigate. Often, it can seem as if your partner is holding on to their beliefs and won’t budge. Or, that these topics easily turn into arguments – and that these disputes rarely seem to result in agreements.

In premarital counseling with Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, we look beneath the surface to help each of you gain access to emotions and feelings about these important subjects. These discussions in therapy often yield “Aha” moments when a new understanding comes into awareness.

Your partner’s beliefs, fears and behaviors can then make sense! A partner who grew up in a family with limited financial resources, for example, may be fearful about spending money, whether for everyday expenses or what can feel like an extravagance. (Though, it can also be that someone who grew up in poverty easily and quickly spends money now that they have some, after so many years of deprivation.)

In premarital therapy, you learn how to have calm and loving conversations that help you first understand your partner and, second, to make some agreements on how best to go forward.

Why Does Living Together First Have Higher Divorce Rate Later?

There are mixed research findings on this issue. What the findings seem to point to is that couples who are clear before moving in together about the intention of their relationship seem to fare better.

In other words, if the couple moved in together for convenience or to save money, their intentions about a long-term relationship or that living together is intended to lead to marriage are not stated or made clear to both of them. On the other hand, if they are clear and on the same page about their future, then the higher rate of divorce after marriage may not apply.

Relationship “Red Flags” Can Become More Prevalent

In all counseling, there is never a guaranteed result. This includes EFT. Our statistics show that 90 percent of couples will experience relationship improvement. Couples experiencing considerable distress have shown a 72- to 75-percent recovery rate.

Premarital counseling affords the opportunity to explore, deeply, areas in which there have been conflict, differences in values and goals and how you as a couple respond to stress.

It may occur during the course of therapy, that these differences cannot be resolved. This can be true in couples counseling, of course, with already-married couples.

So, it may be that the couple engaging in premarital counseling discovers differences that are significant and can’t be resolved. Sadly, they may choose to end their relationship; however, they could be doing so with greater potential for a peaceful parting.

Our Premarital Counseling Path is Tailored to Your Specific Needs

I don’t approach premarital counseling with a set formula or number of sessions. I feel it’s more effective to learn about you, your history together and your challenges or concerns.

EFT is a “brief” model of couples therapy. At our first meeting, we’ll discuss your desired goals for counseling and develop a plan to align with your specific objectives. I also recommend some reading that will help you understand the “science” behind successful relationships and some exercises that can deepen your understanding of yourself and each other in how you interact and to help you strengthen your loving bond.

To set up a 20-minute consultation, give me a call at 602-882-0533. During our phone or video meeting, you can assess whether you feel premarital counseling with me will meet your needs and you can use this time to ask any questions about the process.