Infidelity: Affair Recovery is Possible
When infidelity is discovered or revealed, beneath the anger and cries of the hurt partner lies a fear: Can our relationship survive this huge betrayal?
The decision to work through the trauma of infidelity means that difficult times will likely lie ahead as the couple struggles to understand what went wrong, to recommit to the marriage or relationship as a sacred and supportive bond and, importantly, to trust again.
When any type of cheating occurs in a relationship, there are two levels of pain: There is the infidelity itself and then the lies and deceit that took place to cover up and hide the outside relationship.
Many couples seek to work to recover and, often, this process can yield a renewed connection and strengthening of the relationship.
In this article, we’ll explore the real of infidelity and how “cheating” is defined. We’ll walk through how effective couples counseling guides couples through the stages of healing. And, help you understand that you are not alone if infidelity and an affair has happened in your marriage.
Types of Infidelity Aren’t Often Clear or Understood
Couples often fall into a trap of how they can/should define infidelity. Here’s a simple definition: Cheating is whatever activities upset the other partner.
This can include flirting, sexting, internet contact with others, checking dating sites, contact with previous partners, unusual closeness with friends or co-workers. What matters is whether the other partner feels hurt, afraid of losing the relationship or that trust has been broken when there is lying or hiding information.
It would seem obvious, but couples often fall into huge disagreements about how cheating is defined. The late Shirley Glass, in her classic book, “Not Just Friends,” helped us understand the “line” that gets crossed. She distinguished whether the outside person was or was not “a friend of the marriage.” Would your partner or spouse welcome this person into your home and feel trust?
Is this person well-known to your partner and are your actions with this outside person something you would fully disclose to your partner? These definitions clarify whether someone is a friend or foe of the relationship.
The term “emotional affairs” has surfaced recently, in which a partner has unusual closeness with a person outside the relationship where they find comfort, confide about personal concerns and seek support they do not share with their partner.
Other trust issues can arise, as well. “Financial infidelity” can involve hiding spending or purchasing things without your partner’s knowledge.
Infidelity Statistics Show Affairs Are Not Uncommon
Some national surveys have shown that 15% of women and 25% of men have experienced intercourse outside their marriage or relationship. When the emotional and sexual intimacies without intercourse occur, the statistics increase by 20%. Data show that upwards of 40% of married couples are affected by affairs.
Recovery is possible, however. Studies have found that the majority of couples seek to stay together after affair discovery.
Understanding the “Why?” of Infidelity
When sexual or emotional intimacy outside of the marriage or long-term relationship is discovered, the biggest question of the hurt partner becomes, “Tell me why???”
Research frequently points to a lack of emotional connection in the marriage. It’s often found that sex is not the primary motivator; rather, the infidelity is a search for closeness and connection, for support and understanding and feelings of being cared for, appreciated and understood.
After an affair is discovered, the hurt partner often desperately seeks answers; the partner who went outside the relationship often tries to avoid further pain by withholding the deeper truths, by being dismissive that the affair wasn’t important or that there was not a strong emotional bond with the outside person. This avoidance, however, limits the possibility of healing and recovery.
A word of caution: It can be best to avoid sharing the acts of intimacy that occurred with the affair partner, as this can increase the trauma experienced by the hurt person in the marriage. Yes, the hurt partner may repeatedly ask; however, fewer details may be preferable.
The Path to Healing After Infidelity
Within Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is a research-supported healing process. Fortunately, guidance by the therapist helps the couple through the often emotion-heightened periods, gently aiding each partner in being fully heard and understood.
These challenging conversations provide a place for the hurt partner to fully express their emotions, which may not have been completely available prior to counseling. Typically, when couples first try to discuss the affair, strong emotions lead to defending and interrupting each other. The offending partner may attempt to minimize the hurt partner’s feelings and can easily become frustrated with the hurt partner’s repeated efforts to understand the “whys” of the affair.
In the counseling process, the offending partner is coached to just listen and help the hurt partner share their pain. The goal is to avoid interrupting or defending or minimizing the hurt partner’s feelings. This is an essential element of healing.
It is crucial that the offending partner acknowledges the hurt partner’s suffering and fears that trust cannot be regained.
Regaining Trust
Two types of broken trust typically occur when an affair occurs. First, there’s the infidelity itself and the hurt that is incurred. Second, there are the efforts that took place to keep the affair hidden. Both are powerful obstacles to recovery and renewing trust.
One recommendation is that the couple agrees to total transparency. The hurt partner is allowed to achieve reassurance that the affair is completely over by having access to the spouse’s phone, email and social media accounts. In times or worry, the hurt partner can openly check and be assured that there is no activity.
Second, it is helpful that the partner who went outside the relationship is open in sharing their schedule – where they will be, when they are in business meetings and cannot return calls or texts and any places they may be visiting.
This can seem restrictive to the offending partner; however, it is common for the hurt partner to have high levels of anxiety about their partner’s whereabouts.
Will We Recover?
There is no definitive answer. Many couples wish there could be. Yet, through the affair repair process there also lies the possibility of improving the couple’s relationship. Open dialogue about unmet needs in the relationship, the true and deep meaning of the relationship to each partner comes to the surface and the couple can gain a greater understanding of both each partner’s inner world and the role of their emotional bond and connection as an important life force.
To learn more, you can schedule a brief consultation to discuss the healing process and to ask questions about how infidelity recovery fits into the couples counseling process.
Please reach out to me at 602-882-0533. I am glad to take the time to help you understand both the challenges and benefits of infidelity recovery.