Avoiding Divorce in Second Marriages: Know the Pitfalls
The divorce statistics are downright frightening for second marriages:
67% of second marriages fail
And, 73% of third marriages end in divorce.
This is compared with about 40% for first marriages in the United States.
In this blog post, I’ll help you understand both why second marriages can be so fragile as well as how to set the stage for a potentially more successful second marriage. After all, the pain of separation and divorce can leave emotional scars that can carry forward into your future. By being proactive before entering into a second (or subsequent) marriage, you may be able to avoid the emotional setbacks of a failed attempt.
Why Second Marriages Are More At Risk for Divorce
Multiple reasons for second-marriage failure have surfaced in research:
First, the second marriage may occur too soon after the dissolution of the first marriage. One or both partners may be looking for love after the sudden loneliness and hurt of a recent divorce. There may not have been sufficient time to recover, to heal from the painful experiences and to feel “on solid ground” to embark on a new relationship.
There is evidence as well that the ease of getting a divorce from the first marriage makes a second divorce seem less onerous. In some cases, children may be older and on their way to leave the nest, so there may be less desire to try to save the second marriage.
Financial status may be more secure. Both partners may be more financially stable at this point in their lives, so any fear of going forward alone may be far less. Additionally, combining finances and how each partner feels about money and spending may have caused greater differences in this life stage than when partners were younger.
Another contributing factor may be parenting and the complications – if not addressed effectively – of the blended family. The couple may be struggling with the influences of the other parent, as well as their own differences in each other’s parenting styles. Another scary statistic:
Second marriages that include children from a previous relationship have a failure rate of 60 to 70%.
This All Seems So Tricky!!
Indeed, every marriage can face challenges; second marriages perhaps much more so. Therefore, before proceeding with a new, serious relationship, consider:
Get to know yourself better. By this I mean, can you take time and a good dose of honesty to uncover your part in the first divorce? A great way to learn more about relationships by reading, “Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships,” by Dr. Sue Johnson. You’ll learn about your attachment style and how you may be unintentionally blaming your partner for difficulties; how good relationships can unravel; and how to maintain a close bond with your partner.
What scars linger for you from your first marriage? If unhealed or unaddressed, you may carry those forward into future relationships. For example, if a previous partner was unfaithful, you may be hyper fearful of a future marriage going down that path.
Are you ready for a new long-term commitment and its impact on your children? More on this later.
How are you handling co-parenting from your first marriage? Will this be an added stressor in the new relationship?
Of course, there is no definitive list because each situation is unique and different. When we fall in love, our brain chemistry is elevated with positive feelings. But the downside is that we can more easily ignore potential “red flags” related to the new relationship. One option is to engage in some individual therapy with a counselor who uses Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy, or EFIT.
Ladies First (to Initiate Divorce)
Studies show that approximately 70% of all divorces – whether a first or subsequent marriage – are initiated by women. It is the female partner who is most likely to feel a reduced emotional connection and be concerned about a partner’s commitment in the marriage. So, if you are the guy, it may be helpful to understand what forces drove you apart in your first marriage.
Planning for Success
So, now we know the risky statistics and, with some inner work on how we may have unknowingly contributed to the problems in the earlier marriage, are there steps that can be taken before entering into the new marriage?
Briefly, “leave no topic undiscussed.” By this I mean, initiating open and frank discussions with your fiancé long before going further. Set aside plenty of time and be open to what you are sharing with each other as important for your partner. You may have differing beliefs; however, can you reach an understanding of how you will incorporate those preferences into a healthy relationship?
Key topics that should be thoroughly discussed and planned for can include:
Money. So many sub-topics here, such as how will you combine assets? What are your deeper fears or spending habits and do these mesh or clash with your partner? How will expenses for children be paid? Will you split household expenses equally or based on each partner’s income? How will you build savings as a couple? The list goes on and on – and the discussions should as well until you can outline a plan for going forward.
Parenting. Have deep discussions about each of your style of parenting. What rules have worked well with your children? How have you been managing the relationship with your children’s other parent? What are your expectations of your prospective partner regarding their relationship with your children?
What about relationships with any adult children? How do you and your partner feel about providing financial support, babysitting, spending vacations going to see the adult children and their families?
How would you plan how you spend your time together – and apart? Will each partner be able to continue to pursue their own hobbies and interests? How can you prioritize time together?
What about work and career pursuits? Are there concerns about your prospective partner’s work/life balance? Do they understand and appreciate your approach to your career and its demands?
Retirement plans should be discussed as well. To learn more about avoiding divorce in retirement, read here.
Premarital Counseling Isn’t Just for Younger Couples
The higher rate of failure of second and subsequent marriages can feel daunting, indeed. However, premarital counseling can help provide insight into potential difficulties that may lie ahead.
You can learn:
To define your differing “attachment styles” – the way you interact in your intimate relationship and how to navigate when you and your partner have different styles
How the customs and ways of relating in your family of origin may have impacted you in past and current relationships
Identifying how challenges in past relationships may be carried forward in your beliefs and fears in this relationship
And, importantly, how to calmly discuss and resolve any differences between you and to develop positive, mutually-agreed-upon solutions.
Read more about premarital counseling here.
My Singular Focus
Unlike some therapists who “also” work with couples, my practice is solely dedicated to working with couples and on relationship issues (I do work at times with individuals who seek to understand their own relationship challenges.)
My ongoing training and focus on Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, the most successful approach to helping couples in distress, allows me to stay current on research findings and developments.
At the same time, my depth of work in the field permits me to help couples identify individual challenges that may need to be addressed by one or both partners in additional therapy with another provider. These issues can include anxiety, depression and substance abuse.
I welcome the opportunity to schedule a no-cost consultation to answer any questions and to help us decide if we are a good fit to work together.
You can reach out to me at 602-882-0533.