Improving Couples Communication Begins with Better Listening
Couples’ communication problems are what I often hear as a primary reason for seeking marriage counseling:
“We just can’t understand each other.”
“Old disagreements keep coming up!”
“When we try to talk, we end up arguing. Or, worse, there’s the silent treatment that can last for days.”
Indeed, communication gets tough at times. But, while I have no data, I wonder how much of troubling communication stems from a failure to listen:
Are you and your partner able to actually slow down and hear what each other is saying?
To feel the emotion behind your partner’s words?
Do you find you interrupt your partner when you disagree or want to make a point?
Are you able to share your thoughts with each other without one of you wanting to step in and offer advice or solutions?
So, let’s dive deeper into the whys and hows of improving couples communication skills.
Please HEAR and FEEL me!
We humans are wired to connect with our partners – it’s a powerful force that draws us together. Connection is the strong bond we create when we fall in love.
To maintain that bond, we strongly need to be heard, understood and validated when we share our thoughts, feelings and concerns.
When we truly listen, we send powerful messages:
When you focus on me, I feel loved and that I matter to you.
When I am heard without judgment, I feel you accept me as I am.
When you understand my point of view (even if you don’t agree), I can be vulnerable and open with you.
When Couples’ Communication Goes Off Track
Essentially, it could be said there are two types of conversations our partner may initiate:
I want to share with you something that happened and my feelings. Please just listen. When I am done, ask thoughtful questions so I can clarify my thoughts.
Or, I might want you to problem-solve with me and give me your advice and ideas.
Couples communication easily goes awry when the two types are not clarified. Our partner wants to share something, but we jump in to offer advice. The result: They don’t feel heard or validated. They actually don’t want you to fix the situation.
When a partner processes an issue out loud, they can often find what they need. They have the opportunity to consider possibilities from within. We can unintentionally cause our partner to feel judged when we jump to offering advice. It’s as if we are saying, “Whatever you are thinking just isn’t right. Listen to MY ideas.”
Interrupting is an enemy of good communication. Often, when we interrupt we are defending ourselves. If our partner is expressing a concern that involves our own behavior, we are quick to defend. And, defending can lead to arguing about who’s right and the facts – rather than what your partner is trying to achieve: a mutual understanding of a concern.
Teaching Our Brain to Listen
We may not be skilled “listeners.” We may have old habits of interrupting, offering advice or being easily distracted by our phones or kids’ requests.
Also, our own thoughts can take over as our partner is talking: We can become busy thinking about how we will respond and our thinking can easily drift from what our partner is saying to how we want to react.
Becoming an attentive listener takes, for most of us, a radical shift: To focus solely on our partner, to be aware of their emotions as they are talking and to keep that attention as long as they need.
Your Children Want to Be Heard, Too!
It’s not at all unusual for parents to complain: “Our kids just don’t listen to us!” You’re frustrated because they’ve failed to do chores or follow rules.
But, do you truly know why? Kids crave being heard and felt just as we adults do. Being listened to helps them feel cared for, important, valued for who they are – and deeply understood and loved.
Parents may struggle with slowing down and listening when they are worried about their kids, such as when school performance falls, when they don’t seem to make friends, when they are withdrawn. The worry takes over and you may push for answers, rather than listening with your whole attention.
When you listen with an open mind and heart, you may learn the “why” behind the issue.
The same principles of good listening apply to your children as they do with your partner. Which type of conversation do they need – Just listen or help me with ideas? Can you avoid interrupting when you become worried or concerned about what is being said?
Listening is a building block to close connection. When kids feel they’ll be heard and you’ll try to understand, they can be more likely to come to you with problems. And, the sooner you know a child is struggling, the better you can help.
When the Relationship Is Struggling with “Hot Topics”
Our brain reacts quickly when the subject matter turns to challenging issues that have caused disagreement and that haven’t yet been resolved.
Conversations can easily escalate – and, of course, then it’s more likely one or both of you may interrupt and defend your viewpoint. Suddenly, instead of listening, the attempt is to “win,” and voices can get raised in attempts to be heard.
One of the mantras of Emotionally Focused Therapy, the most-effective method of helping couples in distress, is “Slow down!” When we can decrease our immediate, triggered reactions to what is being said, we are more likely to be able to listen and respond more clearly.
This is easier said than done! So, perhaps try some listening “sessions” with less-triggering topics. This can help you grasp the concept of deep listening before moving on to tougher concerns.
Now: The Basics of “Power Listening”!
Before you begin:
Is this the right time? Is there sufficient time for the discussion. And, can you both be fully available? That is, is anyone too tired, hungry, etc.?
Is this the right place? Is there privacy, lack of interruptions and no distractions?
For the person initiating the discussion:
Relax. You both are going to try your best with this new concept. Stay on topic and avoid tangents. This makes it easier for your partner to focus on your main concern.
State your need: Do you want only to be heard or do you want your partner’s suggestions and ideas?
When you’re done, you can thank your partner for listening and tell them how this was helpful, such as, “It felt really good to download all this. I feel more calm.” Or, you can thank them for listening and then ask for their thoughts.
For the person who is listening:
Avoid interrupting (this can be difficult!). Stay focused, have eye contact.
If you’re asked for your ideas, have gentle reactions. Offer suggestions without “investment in the answers.” By this I mean to let go of how you would like your partner to respond or whether you will feel good if they agree. Be neutral here!
Practice and Patience: This May Be Very New to You Both!
Improving couples communication takes practice. Be kind to each other and use understanding when you struggle to stick to the model. Each conversation is a learning experience – as well as an important step in understanding and appreciating each other.
Let’s Chat!
I offer a 20-minute consultation via phone or video to answer questions and to help you experience my style and approach. Give me a call to discuss scheduling a chat: 602-755-9089.