6 Keys to Marriage Counseling Success
If you’ve postponed getting marriage counseling and relationship help, you’re certainly not alone. I’ve worked with couples who have delayed seeking therapy for years, even decades.
Or, perhaps you’ve tried once (or more) before and found counseling wasn’t helpful. You may have heard stories of others’ bad experiences.
Keep in mind, however, that no form of counseling is 100 percent effective for everyone. The statistics for Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, the most-successful approach, show that 72 to 75 percent of couples are able to transition from distress to recovering closeness and connection. Some improvement from therapy occurs for 90 percent of couples.
I recognize coming for therapy about the most personal aspect of your life can feel daunting.
Yet, when I think about the couples I’ve worked with who achieved the greatest benefits, I’ve found several keys to marriage counseling success. Here are my suggestions:
1. Slow Down and Devote Time to Searching for a Marriage Specialist
At times, I’ll get phone calls from – and typically these can be younger couples – people who have not fully read my profile or checked out my website. I totally understand they are stressed because their marriage or relationship is doing poorly. They fear losing their partner; the difficulties are disruptive to their daily lives; and they may be concerned their arguments are impacting their children.
Selecting a marriage therapist who is a good fit can make a significant difference in the therapy experience and, possibly, the results.
So, set aside some time for your search. Read what’s available online for each therapist you’re wondering about. Do they have experience and training in working with couples? If so, what method or model do they use (this tells you about their commitment to doing quality work)?
2. Schedule a Consultation
Nearly every therapist offers a no-charge 15- or 20-minute consultation. This is an opportunity to get a snapshot of a therapist’s style and to ask questions about their experience and approach.
I do my consultations on video, as this is how we’ll be working together over secure telehealth. And, I don’t mind if the consultations go longer because that means the couple has important questions and concerns they want to address.
Not every therapist is a fit for every couple. And, experienced counselors recognize this. That’s why investing some time into your selection is important. Your relationship with the therapist is fundamental to your success. Research time and again shows this to be valid.
After the consultation, you can discuss with each other whether you felt the therapist took time to understand your unique situation, whether he or she has the type of experience you think would be best and whether their style of interaction feels comfortable. Would the therapist be open to your feedback if you felt your needs weren’t being met? (I always address this in my consultation appointments.)
3. Be Realistic About the Commitment Needed for Marriage Counseling Success
I use Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, the statistically most-effective approach. Considered a “brief model,” it’s often cited as requiring eight to 20 sessions. Of course, length of therapy depends entirely on each couple’s needs.
Even so, I assign “homework.” These are usually brief between-session tasks to enrich your understanding of your conflict and distancing. Also, I recommend reading or listening to one of the books created by the method’s creator. They are written specifically for couples and can be valuable in shortening the number of sessions needed.
Therapy is also a financial commitment. My intention is for couples to never have one more session that is required to attain their goals. However, yes, therapy is indeed an expense, and I help couples understand this part of the commitment before we begin.
4. Therapy Will Have Ups and Downs
I wish that the therapy process would be a smooth progression, as couples move easily forward making gains each time.
However, setbacks happen! You may have been doing well with solving conflict and then suddenly have a difficult argument that appears out of the blue. It’s easy to become discouraged, to feel counseling isn’t helpful or that counseling just won’t work for you.
Yet, a great deal can be learned from this new emergence of conflict. As we delve into the source and content of the disagreement, couples have the opportunity to become more insightful about their challenges and learn how to move through conflict to reaching resolution.
The goal of marriage counseling is to learn to improve how you handle conflict and disagreement long into your future together – and long after therapy has ended. Life will always have rough patches, and learning to successfully navigate them as a team provides you with a path to move through those periods as best as possible.
5. Couples therapy can get “personal.”
We may, at times, focus on personal challenges of one or both partners. These can include anxiety, depression, jealousy/insecurity and a history of trauma. At times, I may recommend some individual therapy with another counselor to give a partner an opportunity to address individual issues. If desired, I’ll coordinate care with that individual therapist.
We do, at times, discuss intimacy and sex. The challenge is to be open and vulnerable to your partner’s concerns. Typically, these topics are addressed after we have had some sessions together so that you are more comfortable with me.
6. Some Couples May Have Special Challenges
Statistically, blended families and second marriages have a greater risk of divorce. I have, of course, worked with a number of couples who are experiencing greater conflict because of complications these situations may entail. You can learn more about second marriages here.
If there has been infidelity in your relationship, emotions are often running high when couples enter therapy. Fortunately, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy has a proven “roadmap” for us to lean on to move through this painful discovery and toward recovery. Read more here.
Let’s Talk!
I am always glad to schedule a consultation to help you understand the therapy approach and my style. You can reach out via email or phone: 602-882-0533.