Couples Who Apologize Build Trust
There is a phrase I particularly like: “When you dance close with your partner, it’s hard not to step on their toes from time to time.”
I can’t remember the origin. However, I find the metaphor helpful in explaining to couples the value of sincere apologies.
I have heard, over the course of my years as a couples counselor, a partner complaining: “He (or she) never apologizes!” This is upsetting because the hurt partner does not feel their feelings are important or validated.
Apologies play an important role in couples’ ongoing trust of each other. In this post, I’ll help you understand why apologies are critical in maintaining close connection and how to apologize effectively.
We Can’t Avoid Letting Our Partner Down
Things said, not said; Done, not done. Forgetting a partner’s request. Being late. Being insensitive to our partner’s needs.
Our busy lives – with work, kids, aging parents, stress, holidays – can result in our unintentionally doing something our partner feels is hurtful.
Worse, still, when our partner brings up the event, we may become defensive because we actually feel bad but don’t know how to handle our partner’s feelings. Defensiveness can feel like denial to our partner. And this, in turn, can intensify the impact of the hurtful event because the hurt partner can feel their painful feelings are being minimized.
Half-Hearted or Fully Sincere Apologies? The Difference Really Matters
Merely saying, “I’m sorry” may not cut it when the issue is important and significant to your partner. An actual conversation (see below) can prove more helpful because the goal is to recognize and validate your partner’s hurt feelings.
Keep in mind that apologies are a trust-building process. If we know our partner will address our damaged feelings this time, we can build confidence and trust that they will do so in the future when a hurtful event arises.
Of course, the degree of the hurtful event matters as well. An infidelity is typically the most trust-busting act. For more on infidelity recovery, read “Infidelity: Affair Recovery is Possible”.
We Don’t Like to Be “Wrong”
At times, couples will endure a lengthy argument about “Who’s right.” Back and forth, the debate goes on as each argues their point of view is correct.
Our ego wants to feel OK – that we are good, we make positive choices and our beliefs are correct. Our self-esteem can feel bruised if we are perceived as wrong. We can feel less worthy.
When we hang on to our need to be right, we can potentially harm our relationship. After all, if I’m “right” then perhaps my partner must be “wrong.”
A “Roadmap” to Heartfelt Apologies
FIRST
Select a time that is good for both of you. Your “job” is to be open about what you did to hurt the other person’s feelings. AND to listen to what they have to say.
Good listening means:
We avoid interrupting. When we interrupt, we are often trying to defend ourselves and our position.
We give the other person as much time as they need to explain how they feel.
We “take charge” of our emotions – we breathe to relax, we stay as calm as possible. We wait until the other person is totally done – then we can respond with kindness and seeking to understand their feelings
OWN our behavior. “I behaved poorly.” “I hurt your feelings.” “I was very unkind”. Describe what you did wrong.
“WHY” WITHOUT EXCUSES. This can be difficult because you may want to explain why you did or didn’t do that was hurtful. But this can sound as if you are saying the reasons for your behavior are Okay. Except that the reasons don’t excuse the behavior.
Example: “I was under a lot of stress and that’s why I think I yelled at you. AND this was still wrong and hurtful to you.”
What’s Your Plan to Avoid this in the Future? Let the other person know you are working hard to do things differently. Be specific about what you will try to do.
TELL ME your thoughts: I want to know how you are feeling about what I have said. Is there something I should know? I want to hear if there is more I should know about how I hurt you.
Is there ANYTHING ELSE I need to do to make things right between us?
Why Apologies Build Trust
When we apologize, we are demonstrating to our partner that:
Your feelings matter to me. I care deeply that I have hurt you. Even if the issue is a small one, I am showing you that you are important to me and that I always want to hear your concerns.
We both value that we may be different. We may not always share the same perspective, yet we don’t let these viewpoints get in the way of our loving bond.
We both recognize how each of us may have differing fears, sensitivities and views. Importantly, we accept that these differences are what makes each of us unique – and loveable.
Here to Help:
I offer a 20-minute free phone or video consultation to answer your questions and to see if we are a fit to work together. Give me a call at (602) 882-0533.