Why Couples Argue About Money: What Lies Beneath
Couples’ money arguments can seem insurmountable – Disagreements can be frequent, easily escalating and both partners can fear there’s no possible resolution.
Often each partner’s perspective can be very different: One insists on saving rather than spending. A partner may have low risk tolerance about investing. One partner is adamant about saving for retirement; the other may believe there’s plenty of time for building a nest egg.
Arguments erode a couple’s trust and closeness and can negatively impact their ability to tackle other emerging differences as a team. Children can be impacted when they overhear the conflict.
And, yes, “financial infidelity” is, indeed, a genuine trust breaker.
In this post, we’ll go deeper into this important area of concern. It is often only by exploring the often “hidden” beliefs that enables couples to be able to make sense of the continual, unresolved arguments.
A Common Cause of Marital Conflict
Arguments about money may contribute to 20 to 40 percent of divorces. One third or more of couples argue about money with one study showing that 27 percent of couples argue weekly or monthly about finances.
Knowing that a problem is fairly common can be reassuring. You’re not alone if money arguments disrupt your relationship. However, what you’re most likely seeking is how to resolve those disagreements. So, keep reading.
Find the Fear
The path to resolving your differences about money and finances begins with developing an understanding of why your partner feels (often strongly!) the way they do. Your arguments may focus on a specific expense or planned purchase. And, it’s quite possible that the same discussions happen repeatedly – but never end up with decisions that are satisfying for both of you.
Money issues run deeper than what you might be saying to each other. After all, money is a resource that determines many factors in our lives: where we live, how we work, what we eat, how we care for our children . . . everything that affects our present and future lives.
However, each of us has had experiences related to money and finances that can impact how we feel today. Consider:
One of you grew up in a family in which money was scarce, perhaps even causing your parents to argue repeatedly. You didn’t have what your peers had; you felt perhaps different than the other kids. Maybe food was scarce at times. You saw your parents or parent be very worried.
One of you may have experienced a parent losing a job due to layoffs or other factors and the memories are vivid of the uncertainty they felt.
One of you may have had parents who were quite well off, on the other hand, and always had what you needed. It can be challenging to understand your partner’s fear, their reluctance to make financial or investment commitments.
For some, now as an adult, after so many years of deprivation growing up, you want to have the things you never could. You want to make purchases now because you have the income to do so. Your partner can’t seem to get it.
These are scenarios I’ve heard in my years as a couples’ therapist. What couples have struggled with – and, hence, all the arguing – is to understand and appreciate their partner’s underlying experiences and fears.
One study found that the majority of people (52 percent) feel uncomfortable discussing money.
Sharing Aha! Moments with Each Other
Human behavior isn’t always a mystery. We act and believe based on a myriad of life experiences.
When we slow down and take the time to truly listen to our partner’s stories, we can discover what lies beneath their fears and their approach to handling money. As we listen with openness and curiosity, we create the possibility of developing a new and very important insight into how our partner reacts.
This new awareness and understanding opens the door to acceptance of how our partner views money and finances. And, then . . . a new discussion pattern can occur in which you can calmly collaborate on budgeting and financial planning.
You can begin to more easily explore:
Differences in values and how those views impact each of your choices related to spending and saving
Developing compromises that now make sense for both of you
Finding a path to having regular finance discussions and problem-solving sessions
Yes, “Financial Infidelity” is a Thing!
Financial infidelity occurs when one partner hides expenditures and is not truthful about purchases. Trust is eroded and confidence in each other’s honesty follows discovery of hidden financial transactions.
Common reasons for financial infidelity can include fear of conflict if certain expenditures are disclosed or even discussed. One partner may want to cover up a financial mistake to avoid embarrassment. An old resentment could be a source of spending because the partner feels there has been an unfairness.
Disclosure of financial infidelity requires healing, “coming clean” about transgressions and helping the hurt partner feel secure that the behavior will not reoccur.
Thorny Issues Emerging in Today’s Economy
An issue that may occur more frequently is how to help children aging into adulthood and as young adults. College costs and student debt are hampering these kids’ abilities to move forward in life – to marry, buy a home, to have children. Housing costs for renters make saving for a home purchase more difficult. Parents may not have agreed how to assist children in “launching” into typical adulthood.
Again, it’s time to have a frank talk with each other and then with your children about how you feel you can assist them and to agree about limitations. As a couple you may have very different views about aiding adult kids. You may struggle to grasp how the financial landscape is much different for this generation.
Helping your parents also can be challenging. Aging parents may need physical help from time to time; however, some parents may be struggling financially. This is often an issue couples may not have anticipated, and conflict can result for couples as parents’ needs evolve.
Easier than Ever to Spend Money!
The March 25, 2024, issue of Time Magazine has a feature article, “Why We Overspend.” An interesting study found that the easier it is to spend money – such as through mobile phone apps – the more people tend to spend. People then used this ease and speed and began spending more through their computers. Once people began spending digitally, they started spending more overall.
Therefore, just as it’s “frictionless” to click “Add to Cart.” We may need to learn to slow down, allow time for second thoughts and click “Save for Later.”
When Money Arguments Have Created Disconnection and Distrust
Learn more about the destructive impact of repeated arguing HERE.
The most-effective therapy for couples in distress is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. This brief model helps couples learn to exit arguments and talk calmly about important issues and differences. LEARN MORE
To see whether couples therapy would be a good fit for you, call or email me to schedule a no-charge consultation.