When Couples Argue: What Lies Beneath?
When couples argue, there’s often a pattern of how each person acts and responds. For some, arguing is brief and easily resolved. Others, however, can get “stuck” in the argument, and the conflict and/or avoidance can last hours, even days.
Arguments can turn painful when things are said that are hurtful and diminishing of the partner or partner’s self-esteem.
Fortunately, in the first phase of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, couples are able to identify their “negative cycle” of arguing and to learn that there are ways to move from argument to resolution. In this post, I’m going to explore the nature of arguing and how to learn from your own patterns.
Do Any of These Sound Familiar?
“When I want to talk, my partner goes silent. Then I push more, and they stay shut down. I become infuriated, even following them around the house. I get louder. They go even more silent!”
“My partner won’t let go of something that happened years ago. They bring up that old issue every time we argue – even though the current argument is not about that.”
“Our arguments start over something small and unimportant, and they escalate to an all-out conflict.”
“We can’t ever seem to stop the argument until we are exhausted or one of us just gives up.”
“We spend a lot of the argument blaming and finding fault with the other person.”
“When our arguments heat up, we can say really mean things to each other. It’s then hard to repair what was said.”
These are common forms that couples’ arguments can take. In couples therapy, we look beneath the conflict to understand the emotions that are contributing to being upset with each other.
What’s Most Important in Love Relationships
Many arguments find their roots in unmet needs in the marriage or relationship. Couples seek and strongly need security in their relationship. “Are you there for me?” is what matters most.
These three questions are at the heart of our emotional bond with our partner:
Do I matter to you? I can get your attention when I need you. I know I come first with you. I can share my deepest feelings and you will listen.
Can I reach you? When I need comfort, you are there for me. I can lean on you when I am anxious or unsure. Even when we argue, I know I’m important to you and we will find a way to resolve things.
Are you emotionally available to me? I can confide in you about anything. You care about my feelings. I know that when we are apart, we are connected to each other.
Dr. Sue Johnson, the primary creator of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, notes that increasing conflict is not the true cause of marriage failure. She says that decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness are at the heart of when couples argue. “The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflict comes later,” she writes in her first book for couples, “Hold Me Tight.”
Arguments, therefore, are a cry for emotional connection, not about forgetting to take out the trash or how to best load the dishwasher.
When Couples Argue: “Why Does My Partner Keep Bringing Up that Old Issue???
Couples are often perplexed that, when in an argument, a partner will bring up an old issue – one that’s unrelated to the subject of the current disagreement. These can include a time when one of you felt disappointed or let down by your partner; when a partner did not meet a commitment; or when you did not feel your partner supported you on an important issue.
Here’s the most likely root cause of an old argument that keeps coming up: The issue, and its hurt feelings, was never healed. The couple has never been able to put the pain behind them because they still feel hurt about the incident and the issue continues to bother them.
These old emotional wounds will sometimes continue to resurface because the partner with the hurt feelings can’t “get over” what happened. Typically, there’s been no resolution, apology or opportunity for forgiveness.
Couples who struggle with repairing past events or slights when they did not feel cared for and loved may find the issue is like a whack-a-mole! The subject pops up out of context and often with intense emotions.
Some Relationship Hurts are Bigger, Harder to Repair
The biggest trauma to a relationship typically is infidelity. You can learn more here. Other types of issues that result in reduced trust also can be difficult to repair, such as:
A commitment that was made but not followed through. Can I trust you to do what you say?
A forgotten event that caused a partner to feel unimportant, such as an anniversary, birthday, to recognize an achievement by a partner
When the marriage was not a priority and other activities were scheduled, particularly if the partner was not consulted first
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy “Redefines” Arguments and Provides Path to Healing In Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, often called EFT, we call arguments and ways you become distant as a “negative cycle.” Couples learn that this cycle is the enemy, not each other.
In the first sessions of working together, couples learn in therapy to understand their own cycle and how they unintentionally get caught in endless arguing.
Importantly, you’ll learn how to exit the cycle and then how to calmly discuss issues and work toward a resolution.
Unlike old-style couples therapy, EFT goes deeper than merely teaching you how to talk. You’ll discover how your deeper thoughts and feelings are important to share and how to be vulnerable while feeling emotionally safe with your partner.
This deeper work is why EFT research has shown that couples continue to improve after counseling has been completed.
EFT Is a “Brief Model”
Many couples worry that counseling will be a long, expensive process. Most couples achieve their goals in 8 to 20 sessions. Of course, this depends on each couple. To help you make progress, I provide easy “homework” and reading to deepen your understanding of how to regain and maintain the gains you make in our work together.
I offer a 20-minute consultation via phone or video to answer questions and to help you experience my style and approach. Give me a call to discuss scheduling a chat: 602-755-9089.