Cancer and Couples: Moving through as a Team
Merely the word “cancer” brings its own fear to both the person with the diagnosis and their partner and family.
Navigating the diagnosis and treatment process can challenge the marriage in unique ways that may differ from other difficult events you’ve encountered in your lives together.
As a cancer survivor myself, I write from a personal perspective as well as from my work with couples who have been in some stage of their cancer journey.
At the outset, let me point out that no cancer journey is the same. Your diagnosis and reactions will be as unique as you are as individuals and as a couple. The “tools” I’m discussing here are ideas that may help each of you understand and accept the roller-coaster that comes with a cancer diagnosis and treatment.
For purposes of discussion, I refer to the person with cancer as “the patient” and, whether you’re married or in a committed relationship, I refer to the partner as the other member of the couple.
Cancer and Couples: Valuing and Truly Hearing Each Other’s Experience
Before going further, I want to emphasize some keys to improving communication related to helping each other through the cancer experience.
Acknowledge that each other’s feelings are true and valid for them, though you may not feel the same. Telling someone not to worry is hurtful, actually. Rather, let them know you hear their concerns and ask what comfort and support they are needing in these moments.
Recognize the partner may be quiet or withdrawn at times. This is challenging because the patient may feel, because of the partner’s withdrawn nature, that they may not care. Allowing each of you space for their feelings is difficult, indeed. You then may be able to discuss what the partner is feeling, even though it seems disconnected.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to accept each other’s feelings as true and valid for them. This is a time for listening and empathy. Work hard to avoid minimizing each other’s feelings and fears. Providing comfort without problem-solving allows each of you to feel deeply heard and understood.
Feelings and fears may vary widely, often with current events: waiting for test results, fears about surgery, how to cope with the financial impact, how to help children understand what is happening and what to tell friends and extended family.
Providing Comfort without Judging
Imagine this scenario: The patient fears the upcoming cancer-related surgery. How much pain will follow? How debilitated will he or she be during recovery? How disfiguring will the surgery be? How will household chores be handled during recovery?
A quick tendency for cancer and couples by the partner may be to allay the patient’s fears, by saying that the surgery is not scary and that the doctors and nurses will take care of pain and discomfort. Let me suggest a different response:
“I understand you are scared. I hear you.” Then, allow space for the patient to continue to share without interrupting or moving to solutions. You may then want to ask:
“What would be helpful for you?”
We are often quick to provide comfort, but typically not in the best way! We may unintentionally be dismissing the patient’s fears by trying to “fix” the problem. We are most helpful when we are seeing the situation through the other person’s eyes, not our own.
We can honor the patient’s feelings as true and valid for them. We humans have a deep desire to be heard and understood by those most important to us. We seek recognition of our fears, our varied emotions and to feel our partner understands us – whether they agree or not.
Science has shown that our brain chemistry actually changes when we have the support of those we love. Just being close, taking our hand, making eye contact – this connection shows up on brain scans as helping the patient become calm and soothed.
Phases and Stages of Cancer Journeys
Cancer treatment varies with the type and severity of disease. Here I’m going to delineate some common phases and the challenges each can present for cancer and couples. I couldn’t find an actual research-supported article; however, these are common stages people encounter. Of course, everyone’s cancer journey is unique – as well as your feelings, emotions and concerns.
The first stage is diagnosis and includes discovery of possible cancer, testing and waiting for test results; meeting with physicians and determination of types of treatment and in which order treatment may be given.
Challenges for couples can include:
You may each react differently to this news. And, your reactions and emotions can vary from day to day, event to event. For many, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions.
Coping with waiting periods for receiving test results. For many, these days or weeks are traumatic. The unknown can be harder on one partner than the other. You may not be in “sync,” and this is a time for patience and empathy for whatever feelings are emerging for each of you.
When “the news” happens, learning to support each other and being open to the differing experiences you each may be encountering.
Making plans. Will the patient need to take time off work? Finding out about insurance benefits. What about childcare? Home responsibilities? Transportation to treatment?
Who to tell or not tell? And, how to talk to children about what’s coming up.
Active Treatment
When treatment has begun, challenges may include:
Coping with surgery and recovery
Managing household chores if the patient is unable to handle tasks
Dealing with side effects of treatment, such as feeling ill during chemo or tired during radiation and other processes
Waiting for scan test results that reveal treatment progress
Emotional feelings about cancer treatment and side effects, such as disfigurement, hair loss, low energy
Managing and arranging transportation if the patient is unable to drive.
Worry about finances, lost time from work, dealing with insurance claims
Going Forward
Your friends and family may remark that the worst is over for the patient. However, new feelings can emerge after the phase of most intense treatment ends. For some, patients feel a strange sense of loss because they are no longer in contact with their treatment team on such a regular basis.
While the procedures and all that was involved were challenging, some patients find they miss the regular engagement with the helping professionals. They are surprised – and may need additional support from family and friends -- by the new void in their life.
Also:
Treatment may be ongoing for some time; Scheduled infusions, medications to maintain treatment gains and to prevent recurrence
Each patient is different, of course, but the fear of cancer returning is palpable for many. Even with good outcomes from treatment, the fear can be intense. Also, there is trepidation before follow-up tests, such as scans, bloodwork, mammograms
Post-traumatic stress is not uncommon. Cancer can leave emotional scars as well; patients can fear the physical and psychological impact of cancer treatment beyond the time of intense treatment. The patient may benefit from trauma therapy, which can specifically address those fears and emotional challenges.
Cancer and Couples: “Leftovers” Can Prove Difficult to Navigate
The cancer journey is ripe with difficulties and it would not be unusual for couples to experience hurt feelings that come up along the way.
Likely “emotional wounds” could include:
The patient may have felt the partner was not fully and emotionally present or minimized or dismissed their needs. For example, women can be extremely distraught over hair loss; their partner may not be sensitive to what this meant
When a “betrayal” occurred, such as sharing information with friends or family without the patient’s agreement
When the patient was not open about his or her needs, attempting to not be a burden. Yet the partner can feel they were not informed or trusted with how the patient was faring
Old issues in the marriage or relationship were still in the background. An old resentment that never was healed can come to the surface during the stress of cancer diagnosis and treatment. Couples often struggle to navigate those difficult conversations.
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy helps couples renew their bond, rebuild trust and work together to heal misunderstandings. For more on EFT, read here. (link to home page
Can We Talk?
I always offer a 20-minute no-cost consultation to answer your questions about couples therapy and for us to see whether we’re a good fit to work together. I can also provide referrals if needed. To set up a consultation, please give me a call at 602-755-9089.