Your Couples Specialist:
Marital Counseling: 7 Myths Couples Should Know
Research tells us couples often prolong -- sometimes for years -- getting professional help for their...
Intimacy in Marriage Declined? What Couples Should Know
If you're feeling confused and frustrated about a decline in intimacy...
Cheating in Marriage: Can We Trust Again?
When any type of cheating occurs in a relationship, there are two levels of pain: The...
Parental Conflict Affects Children
It's not unusual for couples to say that one of the reasons they seek counseling is...

We have a new secret love these days. An addiction almost. It will interrupt a quiet dinner we’ve planned (finally!). We’ll keep this new silent friend at our side, always nearby, just in case.

Our partner fumes, feeling this new addiction is more important that they are. Yet we can’t seem to stop ourselves. So, we click, and click a few moments later. We respond each time our new “friend” blinks. Immediately, without hesitation. We hear the love call despite our spouse or partner’s growing fury.

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“She won’t let it go. It happened 10 years ago.”

“He can get over an incident that happened when we were planning our wedding – and it keeps coming up whenever we argue.”

Couples are frequently mystified when long-ago disagreements resurface – often in the midst of an argument over an unrelated, current concern.

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“Why are my emotions so intense with my partner? I don’t have this problem with anyone else!”

“I feel so terribly hurt by the smallest thing. I’m not like this at work or with our kids.”

“I’m a successful executive, but I can’t seem to get anything right at home with my partner.”

Couples in counseling often wonder why the negative emotions they now feel about their partner can have such intensity – Small problems escalate to big arguments, the disconnection that has evolved is fraught with pain and the hurt seems like a wound that is stubborn to heal.

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The children are now in college or off on their own. One or both of the couple has retired. Now, after many years, there is time to enjoy life together in a new way.

Yet, there is an emptiness and a wide disconnection.

The “empty nest” suddenly brings distance, perhaps more arguing and sometimes one partner is thinking about leaving – even after 25, 30 or more years of marriage.

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When I hear Bruno Mars’s song about losing his love because he was not attentive to her, I think of couples who come to see me with such sadness because they no longer feel connected.

I can’t help but also think about couples out there who have given up, one partner too hurt to try to rebuild their love.

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