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Understanding Strong Emotions in Your Relationship

When couples are caught in the negative cycle of repeated arguing, it’s not uncommon for one partner to express very strong emotions.

Anger and emotional outbursts actually are an effort to regain closeness and are often fueled by a fear or anxiety of losing the partner. Yet, these strong emotions actually push your partner further away, often causing him or her to withdraw or “shut down.”

I am often asked by couples why these emotions are so intense. We become very attached and bonded to our spouse or partner — this person is now the most important individual in our life. This attachment is what helps couples endure difficult times, as well as feeling continual love and connection.

When it seems our partner is growing distant during the negative cycle, intense emotions can be triggered. In the “heat of the moment” of arguments, the angry partner may say or do things that are hurtful to the other. It is important to recognize that one of this is intentional. This intensity is the result of the negative cycle! (see video and other posts and pages). In an effort to reconnect, emotions run high indeed.

I work with my couples to help them understand the intensity of emotions produced by the negative cycle; I help them understand that often couples react almost automatically to perceived hurts or past wounds. I help partners learn to understand their emotions and to respond differently to those emotional triggers.

This way, partners have new tools to begin to exit the negative cycle. The objective is to create an emotionally safe environment in which both partners can learn to turn to each other to discuss and resolve important issues and concerns.

Keep in mind that the negative cycle literally hijacks all the good from your relationship. The cycle is unintentional — neither of you seeks to hurt the other. And, there is no blame. The perpetuation of the cycleis not the vault of either partner.

Most importantly, couples can learn to recognize and exit the cycle and to regain the closeness, fun and love that brought you together.

Relationship Skills

Better Marriage = Better Parenting

Many couples are not fully aware that they are teaching their children. In good times and in bad times. Your children are keen observers of your actions, behaviors and moods. It is through you that they learn about the world, and that includes how to cope with problems, how to handle disagreements and how to connect and be close to others.

We know that attachment of a child to a parent or significant adult can highly influence how children will later relate to their partner as an adult. Children learn about how to be in an adult relationship from their most prominent teachers — their parents.

I realize that, if you are in distress in your relationship, this information will be concerning. However, it’s important to know that your children can be deeply impacted by the status of your marriage — again, in good times and in bad times.

I often remind parents to avoid arguing in front of their children; yet I also point out that children are very intuitive and will realize all is not well from the subtle cues they pick up from you.

The good news is important, too! As you work on your marriage, your children will notice (even though they’re not aware you’re going to counseling). They’ll observe that adults may disagree, and that they can resolve those differences peacefully. They’ll notice you are spending time together as a couple, which tells them that this is important also. Your children will likely become more relaxed, less anxious and perhaps even wanting to spend more time with you.

You’ll also learn skills in couples counseling that will help you improve the relationship with your children. You’ll learn to connect with each child in ways that can enhance closeness and trust and build their confidence and self-esteem.

Just as you regain closeness and connection with your partner, you can become closer with each child. This connection can prove vital as your children progress through their teen years — a time when positive role models can be most critical in the choices they make.

Relationship Counseling

What Couples Truly Seek

From the research, and just as importantly, from what I hear from the couples I work with, we know that the most fulfilling relationships have many qualities. Couples seek:

- To be able to turn to their partner when they need comfort, understanding and to feel genuinely loved. To know that our partner can be fully attentive and give us the time we need.

- To be able to be “our authentic selves” with our partner — that is, to be loved and accepted for who we are, for both our strengths and our vulnerabilities.

- To feel respected and honored, to be special to our spouse or partner.

- To be best friends — the one we turn to in good times and bad to share our feelings, concerns, joy and achievements

- To know that our partner is our true “cheerleader,” that they back us up as we face challenges and strive to better ourselves

- To feel trust that we intend to act out of our best intentions, though we may hurt each other from time to time. We can trust, too, that we each will try our best to work through those hurts together.

- To allow each of us to pursue our interests, sometimes separately, so we can fulfill our own dreams — whether the dream is a hole in one on the golf course, an outing with friends, an artistic endeavor, a jogging routine or “me time.”

As a couples therapist, I understand fully that when couples are distressed because they have fallen into a negative cycle of arguing or shutting down, it’s hard to believe that they can recover the special parts of their relationship they cherished in the past — the security of knowing their partner can understand, can listen again and hold us when closeness is the greatest comfort.

In the therapy process, we work as a team to recover those “lost” or “forgotten” feelings and moments. You’ll learn how the negative interaction cycle has “hijacked” your relationship and replaced love, trust, fun and comfort with arguing, disappointment and fear.

And, importantly, you can learn to understand and appreciate your partner once again. You’ll learn new skills of connection, how to recover from disagreements and to renew love and trust.

It it easy? Not always. (OK, often not) However, the journey has its own rewards, as you learn about yourself, from the inside out, and about your partner at a new level — essential skills and knowledge that can help you stay close, connected and in love into the future.

Self Awareness

“Nothing ever seems to get resolved!”

This is a common concern I hear from couples when we first meet. They even have told me that if I came to their home, I could find all all kinds of issues that have been “brushed under the carpet”!

Not being able to resolve even simple issues is a byproduct when couples argue. We call this the “negative cycle,” in which arguments continue and often one partner shuts down because they don’t know how to handle the conflict. Then, often both partners don’t want to bring up the issue again, fearing another argument. So, while couples often have learned to “recover” from an argument, they tip-toe around the issue to avoid another conflict.

Over time, partners’ feelings become bruised from the arguments. Things may be said that are unintended, but hurtful. So, the couple continues to avoid topics that can lead to those heated, uncomfortable arguments. The result? Issues don’t get discussed and certainly don’t get resolved.

When couples get caught in the negative cycle, it’s important to note that no one is to blame or is at fault when this is brought to the counseling process. Rather, the real “enemy” is the negative cycle that evolves in which arguments seem to never end, in which one person may seek answers when the other withdraws or shuts down.

Importantly, when couples fall into their negative cycle, they get stuck in not only the subject matter of the argument, but they also usually can’t get to a safe place where they can discuss the hurt feelings and emotions that lie beneath.

In counseling, I help couples first identify the negative cycle, learn to get out of the cycle more quickly and then learn to reconnect on the important feelings of caring and love that brought them together originally (and that keep them trying so hard to stay together and find more peace!).

Through this counseling process, couples can find more lasting results than if they just learn communication skills. They learn to create a safe, loving environment in which they can turn to their partner for comfort, to feel understood and fully “heard,” and to feel loved and cared for.

Relationship Skills

Learning to End ‘Endless Arguing’

Many couples can unintentionally fall into a negative cycle of arguing — small issues seem to lead to major conflict that then can continue for an extended period of time. Important matters never seem to get resolved.

Over time, couples sometimes feel hopeless because this continuing cycle feels endless. Some partners may shut down, not bringing up important issues because they fear it will spark the endless arguing.

You seem to fall, time and again, into this negative cycle — despite your wish to be close again and to be able to talk. Couples can find they feel more distant than ever.

When I work with couples, our first step is helping you identify this negative cycle. Neither partner is at fault (What a relief!). Rather, it is the cycle itself that is pulling you apart and causing the seemingly endless arguing.

After identifying the cycle, we move through a process that helps you learn to break the negative cycle. The goal of this brief therapy, known as Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, is to help each person understand their partner’s deepest needs in the relationship and to learn to feel secure and safe in turning to their partner to seek reassurance, comfort and love.

This method can be effective when there has been years of conflict, when there has been infidelity and when both partners feel distraught because it has become so difficult to feel close, connected and understood.

Research shows that couples often wait extended periods before seeking help. The “negative cycle” can feel as if it cannot be surpassed. However, what I love about this method is that we help you understand that negative cycle quickly. From that point, we then work toward healing old wounds, regaining closeness, deepening your understanding of each other and renewing and revitalizing the love that brought you together.

Relationship Counseling
  • June 17, 2011
  • Linda
  • Comments Off

Is Sexting Cheating?

I was recently contacted by one of our local TV stations requesting that I do an interview on sexting, from the perspective of a marriage/relationship counselor. While we never were able to connect due to conflicting schedules, I had a fair amount to contribute on the subject.

More than a few couples have come to me for counseling following a discovery of online flirting or the discovery of infidelity that included texting messages of a romantic or sexual nature. Is online flirting harmless? Not according to the partners of those who engaged in this exploratory activity!

Imagine how you would feel if your partner was texting, or even worse, sexting someone outside of your relationship. What matters most is how a partner in a relationship perceives the events. And, in the case of couples I’ve worked with, the texting/sexting is as hurtful as any kind of flirting. Rebuilding trust takes a lot of maturity on the part of both members of the relationship. In the meantime, the partner who has discovered the texting feels anxious about regaining connection, is trying to cope with the hurt of betrayal and is grieving the loss of closeness they had felt.

Often, it is thought that people stray from their relationship because the marriage or relationship was in trouble to begin with. Sometimes this is true: The couple has grown more distant, arguing has escalated even over small issues and the core feelings of love have been challenged. However, the trust that is lost through online flirting brings a new hurdle to overcome when the couple seeks to reconnect.

In their book, “Fighting for Your Marriage,” Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg note five important keys to successful relationships. Consider whether these are present in your life as a couple:
1. Decide don’t slide. Are you taking time to discuss and resolve important issues or are you letting them “slide” for fear that you can’t reach a reasonable agreement?
2. Do your part. Are you truly the best person you can be in your relationship? Are you a “partner” in the true sense of the word? Do you take the extra time and effort to honor your partner?
3. Make it safe to connect. Are you open and calm when discussing differences? Can your partner turn to you in times of distress, fear and concern?
4. Open the doors to positive connections. Do you regularly commit to have fun, sharing and loving experiences with your partner?
5. Nurture your commitment. Healthy relationships are built on a secure feeling of attachment: that knowing feeling that you can turn to your partner to share the best (and, yes, the worst) events that life brings your way.

Today’s world brings multiple challenges to relationships: Couples struggle with balancing work and family during times when fear of job loss has never been greater. Raising children is more difficult due to social forces that easily cause kids to attach to negative influences from peers, media and community. Financial stress has been great the past two years, and the feelings from those times may still linger.

Couples counseling helps rebuild relationship strengths, trust and closeness. Research shows that couples may postpone seeking help for as long as seven years — during which time the stressors continue to grow. As therapists, we know you seek someone you can trust and that this, too, can be a challenge. My hope is that you will explore options and find ways to strengthen your bonds and commitment.