What Couples Truly Seek
From the research, and just as importantly, from what I hear from the couples I work with, we know that the most fulfilling relationships have many qualities. Couples seek:
- To be able to turn to their partner when they need comfort, understanding and to feel genuinely loved. To know that our partner can be fully attentive and give us the time we need.
- To be able to be “our authentic selves” with our partner — that is, to be loved and accepted for who we are, for both our strengths and our vulnerabilities.
- To feel respected and honored, to be special to our spouse or partner.
- To be best friends — the one we turn to in good times and bad to share our feelings, concerns, joy and achievements
- To know that our partner is our true “cheerleader,” that they back us up as we face challenges and strive to better ourselves
- To feel trust that we intend to act out of our best intentions, though we may hurt each other from time to time. We can trust, too, that we each will try our best to work through those hurts together.
- To allow each of us to pursue our interests, sometimes separately, so we can fulfill our own dreams — whether the dream is a hole in one on the golf course, an outing with friends, an artistic endeavor, a jogging routine or “me time.”
As a couples therapist, I understand fully that when couples are distressed because they have fallen into a negative cycle of arguing or shutting down, it’s hard to believe that they can recover the special parts of their relationship they cherished in the past — the security of knowing their partner can understand, can listen again and hold us when closeness is the greatest comfort.
In the therapy process, we work as a team to recover those “lost” or “forgotten” feelings and moments. You’ll learn how the negative interaction cycle has “hijacked” your relationship and replaced love, trust, fun and comfort with arguing, disappointment and fear.
And, importantly, you can learn to understand and appreciate your partner once again. You’ll learn new skills of connection, how to recover from disagreements and to renew love and trust.
It it easy? Not always. (OK, often not) However, the journey has its own rewards, as you learn about yourself, from the inside out, and about your partner at a new level — essential skills and knowledge that can help you stay close, connected and in love into the future.